How to Have a Successful Relationship

The best advice you can and will ever receive to establish a successful marriage is this: 

To treat the person you are dating as if you are preparing them for marriage, (not marriage to yourself, just marriage. Whether or not that is a union with yourself is to be determined later). And expect the same respect in return.

The most common catalyst for relational torment is pretending you are married long before the vows are spoken. Surely there are exceptions to every rule, but don’t think you are that exception. Allow me to elaborate.

You may have never heard of such an idea. Of course I want to marry the person I am dating. Isn’t that the purpose of dating? Certainly, but dating is not a miniature marriage. The benefits of true oneship are earned the day the two commit to become one, as long as they both shall live. And remember you are dating to marry someone, not anyone. If is a hope of the possibly wonderful future, while when is the manifestation of a probably false reality that will be ever so painful to have to leave, worse yet, to enclose yourself in. 

Dangerous Ideas

You’ve probably heard it said to be single and lonely is one thing, but to be married and lonely is something much worse. Do not condemn yourself to suffering for the sake of having a partner. There is an enormous difference with regard to the health of the majority of relationships when we compare statements of “when we get married” versus “if we get married”. Trust me, you want to be in the if category. When puts you in a position of over commitment. Over commitment causes ignorance of real, unhealthy, even dangerous situations. Thoughts like this are correlative to the when mindset: “We’ve already spent so much time, why would I start over?” Even having lived out a miserable relationship for years does not make choosing the rest of your life as such into a logical equation. If someone is treating you poorly, you need to address it. If it remains unchanged, you need to leave. Period. “He treats me so well, most of the time.” “Most of the time” is assuredly going to diminish with marriage when selfishness becomes magnified ten-thousand fold. “No one else is going to love me like she does.” Don’t allow yourself to believe such lies. There are billions of people on this earth. Some have been taught how to treat others with love, some have been taught the exact opposite, many in between. People do not realize the power and kindness in breaking up with someone and explaining why. There lies a golden opportunity to help someone grow into a more loving creation. “But, you just don’t know them like I do.” A particularly dangerous statement because it implies you are ignoring the concerns of those in your life who likely know you many times better and care for you many times more than a dating partner.

Don't Make It More Difficult

All this is to say you must be ready to leave a relationship when the reasons become apparent. If you’ve already planned on marrying this person, the situation has been greatly complicated. When you buy a cat, plan your wedding, name your hypothetical children, and then the relationship must come to an end… No wonder the pain is so excruciating. Of course breaking off any relationship involves pain, but that pain becomes exponential when it accompanies memories of the past, as well as the future you created. A non-existent future you are now forced to forget. Why is there such rampant hatred of ex’s? Because people experience the removal of all the dreams they developed along with the person. When we get married may be stated in sincerity, the problem is it just as easily becomes manipulative. “Remember what you said about us?”.  

No Shame Needed

Maintaining the if mindset prepares you and your dating partners to help each other grow. The relationship is just as likely to end but much more likely to benefit those involved going forward. Instead of dealing with the pain of removal you are able to respectfully separate with increased knowledge on how to treat someone well in the future. It is not a requirement to talk poorly of past relationships, there are always good memories, and all relationships are opportunities to develop. The if mindset grants the opportunity to maintain individuality and see experiences clearly. Then you can appreciate the good times and move on when things are clearly unhealthy. If the outcome is separation, you want to know, should the opportunity present itself, that you could look into the eyes of their future spouse and feel no shame. That you could shake their hand and know during the time you spent together you treated them with respect and love, not taking advantage of them emotionally or physically, and better prepared them for marriage. That their spouse could sincerely thank you for the time you gave to that person in the past. The if mentality is a most selfless approach by which to live. Dating is an opportunity to support someone toward being a wonderful marriage partner someday. You may reap those rewards, or someone else may. Either way you have worked to make the world just a little bit better. 

In the end you have to know that no human being can truly fulfill you. Despite that, marriage can be and is an indescribable blessing. Care enough for yourself to not yoke yourself with someone who is going to repeatedly diminish your worth.

“If we get married...it will be truly wonderful.”  

You can listen to us discuss this topic on the Revolutionary Ruckus Podcast here!