My Journey through Eating Disorder Recovery

When I was in high school, I grabbed a friend of mine, painted a skeleton on half her face and decollate and took pictures in a dirt lot. These pictures have never seen the light of day (expect my HS photography teacher) until now.

I feels like I took these photos a lifetime ago. I was so miserable at the time and I found so much catharsis in capturing these images.

I was able to tell a story when I didn’t have the words. But I have those words now. 

This January sure was long but it was beautiful. January used to be really hard for me: seeing all the ads for exercise equipment and meal replacements; looking at the before and after pictures and genuinely believing I was the “before” and thinking I was less worthy of love because of it. There wasn’t a day that went by that I wasn’t trying (and usually succeeding) to skip meals. There wasn’t a time when I ate a treat or carbs and thought I shouldn’t throw it up.

During this time, I believed in God but I didn’t believe in who He said I was. I felt so guilty that God died for somebody as ugly and evil as me. I wanted to give His grace back to Him because of how bad I viewed myself to be. 

I was deeply drenched in the world of vanity and my worth intertwined with my beauty. I thought if I gained any weight, I could never be loved. I spent hours looking at images of skinny models online and in Glamour magazines. 

My boyfriend at the time knew about this and would encourage me when I would struggle with my eating disorder, saying that he knew I was strong and that I wanted to get better and that I would.

But I didn’t want to get better; I wanted to punish myself for not being enough. Being hungry made me feel better because it made me feel in control.

I know this all seems out of left field, but it’s really important to me to share this journey with y’all because it gets better. If this is something you’re going through there is light. You have to choose to see it.

After I experienced much healing from my mental illness, I had some people ask me how I got better. They had been through similar things, and thought they had tried all the same things I had. I told them they probably wouldn’t like my answer, but it was always Jesus… and yeah, they didn’t like it.

But there is no true healing you can find outside THE Healer. There is no better counsel you can find away from the GREAT Counselor. There is no true peace you can find outside of the PRINCE of Peace.

I had to stop listening to people that were telling me to just love myself as I am and know I didn’t have to change. That’s fake news, y’all. God loves me as I am, He meets me where I’m at, BUT He loves me enough to call me out of where I am and draw me near to Him, which requires change.

I didn’t need to punish myself for being imperfect. God loved me so much that He took all the weight of my imperfections; He let MY sins nail Him to the cross; His Father turned His face away from Him so that He would experience the punishment that I sit here - hungry - trying to give myself. What a waste it is to punish myself. Jesus already took it.

This wasn’t an instantaneous epiphany where I was suddenly healed. It took a long time getting there and a lot of hard work, not to mention the fact that I STILL need to remind myself of this 

r e g u l a r l y.

But it’s OKAY because no one is more patient than God and how dare I be harsher on myself than the God of the universe?

Finally I was able to begin to see myself the way that God sees me: His daughter made in His image.

So, down to the details. You know deep dark bad stuff. You know that #JesusIsKing but now I’ll tell you about the work because it’s A LOT of it. 

First: therapy. Lots of it. No, you can’t start with the food stuff. Don’t get me wrong if you’re not eating, start. But in terms of healing please understand that an eating disorder is a MENTAL illness with PHYSICAL side effects. How do we get healing if we’re just suppressing the side effects? 

For me, counseling looked like beginning to understand that I didn’t need to restrict my food to cope with the bad stuff in my life but could cope in healthier ways.

Community is huge for me in this department. Once I learned that I’m not a burden for sharing my heart and life with the people who cared about me, I could banish the bad stuff out of my head, making it easier to eat. This is obviously a quick summary and my life is different from yours. 

Tldr: I don’t care who you are, go to the therapy. We all need it.

Next, the physical stuff. I had spent so long not feeling free to eat whatever I wanted that I was eating a little too much of whatever I wanted. And I gotta be honest, being married to a super fit Crossfit guy and being thrown into a whole other world of people that all seemed wayyyyy healthier than me can be hard sometimes so shoutout to a of couple people:

1. Rob Best @crossfituru is the most amazing coach of all time and understands when I’m pushing myself too hard or getting anxiety. He wants me to scale the workouts so I can actually enjoy the exercise, not punish myself or keep up with the big guys. I work out at a place that’s filled with encouragement and community, so it’s really hard to beat up on myself there.

2. @Kayla.blum.wellness has an amazing coaching course that taught me ALL about nutrition and the flaws of diet culture, but ultimately, she is there to remind me to give myself grace and to nourish my body like the gift it is.

No matter what, you can’t do it alone and you don’t have to. If you have any questions or need support, email is always open to you, but please know that there are resources to help you/those you love.

#thanksjesus